See You Again... (One Wish)

A friend recently asked me if I had just one wish, what would I wish for? My love for movies takes me back to the flick, Forrest Gump when Forrest says "If I knew it was gonna be the last time I talked with Bubba, I would've thought of something better to say."

If I had one wish? One more day. One more conversation. One more time to say what I said last. One more chance to look into her eyes.

One more chance for her to give her daughter one more kiss... Just in case.

If there was only a way to describe the feeling of looking into someone's eyes the last time they would be open. What it feels like the last time they would move would be to squeeze your finger.... Waiting and hoping that's not going to be the last time. Holding on to the idea of them waking up and walking away from what you're looking at... What you know is the end. You just refuse to believe it.

What would I wish for?

Would I wish to go back in time and change that one thing? Would I look through that bag, find and remove... Or maybe, I'd wish to go back to that moment when I last looked into her eyes and tell her then "I'm still here for you". Perhaps I would even go back to that other day, when we buried her mother, and tell her not to go through with the surgery.

Just one wish...

I guess all of that would be selfish though. Especially since the best wish would be that she feels no more pain.

I guess I'll see you later Drennie.... Rest Easy.
25 Jun 1966 - 20 Oct 2009
Just know, I didn't abandon you...
I stayed all the way though.


See You Again by Tonex (Click on link below for song)

http://www.last.fm/music/Ton%C3%A9x/_/See+You+Again?autostart
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Ya Gotta Trust Somebody…

What do you do when one of your closest friends suddenly ends up in a position where all it takes is a breeze in the right direction and everything for them is over? What do you do when you've promised this friend that you would stand by them…? But they come to that point where you just can't follow anymore?

I've walked so far, and now I just want to say my goodbyes and let Him take the watch… But every time I try, something else comes about to make me stay. Then I get to thinking about their last words to me… "Are you going to abandon me too?" Sometimes I hate being loyal. There are times when I despise the core values instilled in me by the navy… Honor, Courage, and Commitment.

I find some solace in the music I listen to, but I find myself listening to a lot of spirituals… I'm hearing everything from Prince to Kirk Franklin. Prince's "The Ladder" is a pretty heavy song and it somewhat describes what my peers are dealing with right now. Kirk Franklin's "Brokenhearted" is the message I would like to somehow convey to this friend who is in critical condition.

But the one song that stands out the most is a song I've been hearing all over the place since July. Back when I was as low as I thought I could get. I woke up one morning and the song was just starting… as I listened to the words and the energy grew, it brought me out of the funk I was in. By the end of the song, I just felt rejuvenated. The following day, things just turned around all by themselves.

Now I'm in a new place, and once again it's the music I'm holding on to while trying to keep my sanity. Ironically, it's the same song. Only this time, I'm not just down… This time, the situation seems hopeless; yet I'm trying to maintain hope. I want to write my friend off and just let go; but something won't let me. What really makes it hard is I have no one to talk to about it… I mean really sit down and talk about it. So I turn to my music and pray.

I don't know if the Almighty is just undecided about whether to take her home or let her come back. She could be going through some trials because of what she's done in the past, or maybe just resting while her body heals as best it can under the circumstances. All I know is that it's testing my psychological and spiritual limits. From the moment this all started, I have been walking through territory I have turned away from in the past.

Fortunately, I have songs like the video here to keep me going. I do hope she has more to do here, but if it's His will, then I hope she will just be at peace.

Ya Gotta Trust Somebody…

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Can We...?

I actually wrote this on Sunday, April 30, 2006
Just about three months before exiting the Navy
Mood: disappointed
Category: Romance and Relationships

Can We Chil together and do the things we do without finding a way to "Beef" about the dumb things? Smooth out the rough edges and just take it as it comes?

Can We?

Can we sit at the table and discuss what we need and need to do to make life easier for "US and OURS?

Huh, Can We?

Can we find a way to put behind us our past and leave it there and begin to as well as continue to construct OUR future? I mean really LAY IT DOWN and do OUR thing.

Waddaya say... Can We?

Can we put all of our money on that same table on payday, pay ourselves first but together, and then work out how to deal with those things that everyone complains about...? You know, the bills?

Can We?

Can we find the reason 'why', and then share it with our seed and peoples to encourage them to try to grow that fruit which is right there before us, to cultivate and till the soil so that EVERYONE can see it is right and do the same?

Can We be that example?

Can we find new ways to make use of our energies to build, and maintain what we build, to last for generations to come?

Can We?

Now I can probably create an image by myself that would do all of these things but without Faith in me and in you... Without Faith in US to help us strive for a higher level of life, the rest is pointless. So Can We share the Faith? To boost our self-worth and confidence in our ability to succeed and triumph in the righteous struggle?

Can We?

Someone said today that I was negative. But they don't know me. When I asked them to take a journey inside me and really see who I am and set aside what I have experienced (which is mostly negative), they refused.

So I'm sharing it with you...

Can We?
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Time...

It seems like there's just not enough of it these days. This paper is due, that appointment is at such and such today. Before you know it, another day, another week, another month has passed you by; nd you feel like you've moved nowhere. Where did the time go?

It always seems like I'm trying to play catch up. For once, I would like to complete something with time to spare. But, for every distraction I manage to shove aside, a bigger one takes its place.
Well, I'm running a bit behind right now. Class starts in just about 10 minutes and once again, I don't feel prepared.

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Reflection...

Whenever I'm overwhelmed I try to take a walk somewhere quiet while getting my thoughts together. When I was younger, I didn't much take in the places I strolled through. As I grew older and traveled I learned to appreciate the scenery in the places I sought solace.

I'm finding myself in a familiar place this day. Before River Bank Park was developed, I'd spent countless hours strolling along Riverside Drive and various other areas along the Hudson River. I can't count how many decisions I've made while taking in the sometimes majestic view of the George Washington Bridge.

Today, there are quite a few things on my mind. I've not quite had the time to sort them out; but it's a perfect opportunity to hit this blog.
What's on a brother's mind today? What's not? Here's what

A serious lack of much needed money. No stable place to rest my head. No computer to keep up with too many things. Surgery requiring the opening of a chest plate to remove a fungus (and the drama from secrets that have come out behind it). Oh yeah... And my wife.

There's more on my mind. Just not much more worth mentioning. Above is a photo of the GWB from where I'm sitting here at River Bank Park on West 145th Street. This is where I'm taking the time to reflect today.


Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Opening "The End"

A photo of an empty subway platform. What stories could be told about such a dismal looking image. I walked here from my residence specifically to open an envelope. It just seemed like the right place to do it.

7305 days ago this spot was occupied by something amazing. It seems like only yesterday, right there where the yellow non-slip strip meets the concrete, it stood in boots, jeans and a funky brown coat that's way out of style now. Something that made me go in the opposite direction just to try making an impression. I was already late so it really didn't matter. Hopping on this train headed uptown, knowing I had to be downtown nearly an hour ago.

I gave her my number. Hoping that something in the way I spoke, something I was wearing, maybe even the way I looked at her would somehow inspire her to give me a call. Of course that call never came... Not from that encounter. But I wanted it to. Something started in that spot. So it's only right that the beginning of the end should start in the very same place.

People change after so many seasons. Yeah, I was hopeful when the second chance came around. I put everything I am into it this time. I guess it just wasn't enough.

So I came here to open this heavy thing. With one thought on my mind... Can We... come back to this spot? I always wanted to revisit it. I wonder what Amber would have thought, had I been given the opportunity to stand right there and say... This is the spot? It could've happened.

Cracked by a little white lie, a stray mind that tried for a decade to hate, a war, a need, a few more lies and a revelation. It all comes down to a question. A question that, I believe, if it were asked in this very spot, just might awaken something that would inspire me to throw away this envelope. But no one is there to ask the question.

So I asked the question. There was no response... And so I opened the envelope... I opened "The End".


The song I'm hearing right now:
Dreamworld by Robin Thicke from the CD "Something Else".
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Alone...

For years, I've known the feeling... Even enjoyed it from time to time. But it is a completely different story to KNOW when you're truly alone. Especially when everything you can imagine, and then some, is pressing against you. It's really bad when you look around, only to see people who SHOULD be with you only to find that they are against you too.

Then, there are those times when people pretend to be with you. The wife, or girlfriend or brother or sister... You get the general idea. Those people who should have your back, no matter what; but it only turns out that it's only for their own benefit. Their own selfish reasons. Those people who, for all practical reasons SHOULD be there when nobody else cares. The truth about them usually comes about when you're at your lowest low.

To the pretenders, I say: stop pretending. Keep your fakeness, and do NOT let me see you when times are good. I can't be responsible for my actions.

Kick rocks...
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

War No More by Wyclef Jean (9/11 Tribute)

Light is in the air right now
Two thousand and two rebel music
The saga continues
Listen, children

What's the problem in Manhattan
Every ten men they look like Bin Laden
So I have problems when I go to the airport
First thing they do they wanna ask me for my passport
The said Wyclef we love the Fugees the score
But did anybody give you any strange package to bring on board
I was like ¡ 'no'
Here comes your national guards
This look like a scene from the movie Star Wars
One foot in, one foot out standing in the airplane
I'm on tour
I'm on my way to Japan
First class, dark shades
Let the fuschia out bed
I want to sleep but keep my eyes on the cock pit
Why just think they stay target- the pilot
We gonna take over the plane
Like the Los Angeles riot
Riot
Riot
The Middle East
The Middle East
The street pack more heat than the Middle East
The Middle East
The Middle East
When will the violence sleep in the Middle East
The Middle East
The street pack more heat than the Middle East
The Middle East
The Middle East
When will the violence
Say peace
Say peace
We don't want no war no more
Let me hear the streets
Peace, oh peace
We don't want no war no more
Let me hear the Middle East now
Peace, now peace, oh peace, oh peace
We don't want no war no more
Let me hear the USA say peace
Say peace
Lord, peace
We don't want no war no more

We don't want no war no more (x6)

Ay, peace
Oh peace
We don't want no war no more
No, no let me hear you say
Peace, peace,
Say peace, say peace
We don't want no war no more
No, no, no, no
Say peace, oh peace
We don't want no war no more
No more riots
Riots
riots (x5)


[
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Who Am I...?

One of my first English assignments was to introduce myself to my classmates via an online thread, find a photo that reflects who I am, and give a description. Sounds simple, doesn't it? I spent quite some time online looking, but I didn't come up with much.

Well, I could have easily chosen a photo of a submarine since I know pretty much everything there is to know about a 688i class Attack Sub. But, if that were me, I would probably still be in the navy. There were many things I could have used, but nothing I could think of seemed quite right.

The day before my assignment was due, I decided I'd use my blackberry and consciously look for something to fit who I am. I took a few photos... A garden in central park, a bridge, and a few other things. I ride the NYC Subway when going to class and I noticed two things: (1) you can see a lot of rooftops from the elevated 7 line and (2) there are still some decent Graffiti artists out there. The latter thought came to mind, not while I was on the train, but while I was walking North on Central Park East... Fairly close to 106th Street. So I made a right, and walked over two blocks.

Many of the kids who watch the popular video show "106th & Park" on Black Entertainment Television don't really know why the show has that name (and maintains it, even though the studio is no longer located on East 106th Street and Park Avenue in Manhattan). It's actually because of one of the other major parts of Hip-Hop Culture for which an unofficial landmark still remains: The Graffiti Hall of Fame.

It's just a schoolyard I don't know how it started or when, but it's been there for years. Every year they update it and, for the most part, the main wall gets respected and is rarely touched by haters.

---

The best way to describe me is by describing where I'm from. Graffiti used to be something that was everywhere in the area I grew up in. Most of it was nasty, but there were often patches of nice work. There's been movies and documentaries about it. You can see the good and the bad in late seventies/early eighties NYC films.

To some people it's an ugly thing, even disgraceful. While to others it's as beautiful as a sunset in the country. Sometimes it can be complex. Other times it can even be cryptic. But most of the time it's pretty simple. You just have to know how to look at it.

On the main wall here, if you look closely at the center, you will even see Michael Jackson's touch here.

This entire photo describes me.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Lyrics: Song I'm Feeling Right Now...

Ain't found a way to kill me yet
Eyes burn with stinging sweat
Seems every path leads me to nowhere
Wife and kids household pet
Army green was no safe bet
The bullets scream to me from somewhere

Here they come to snuff the rooster
Yeah here come the rooster, yeah
You know he ain't gonna die
No, no, no, ya know he ain't gonna die

Walkin' tall machine gun man
They spit on me in my home land
Gloria sent me pictures of my boy
Got my pills 'gainst mosquito death
My buddy's breathin' his dyin' breath
Oh God please won't you help me make it through

Here they come to snuff the rooster
Yeah here come the rooster, yeah
You know he ain't gonna die
No, no, no ya know he ain't gonna die

-- Alice In Chains
(Yes, I listen to them too!)
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile