With the divorce, it's pointless trying to get the old Mrs to understand why I'm leaving her. She refuses to see that she has issues or accept anything wrong that SHE's done while constantly dreaming up reasons to trip. While claiming to have forgiven me for mistakes I've made she's constantly rubbing those mistakes in my face... Mistakes I made due to misinformation on HER part no doubt. On top of THAT, she just can't stop dreaming up other shit that exists only in HER mind.
I've discovered the true problem in one of her very own "rantings": Not only did she never forgive me, but she holds against me how her father left her mother as well as how her older kids father secret six came out after he died. THEN there's the fact that I must not have been enough to satisfy her since she cheated on me with not one, but TWO different guys while deployed to Iraq. Oh, I tried to forgive her and yes, I was there when she returned. That lasted a total of two months.
Late in September, a close friend of mine who'd been suffering from a particular illness asked me to do two thing... (1) to help her bury her mother and (2) to support her as she goes under the knife. After burying her mother, which was a highly confusing life lesson for me in itself, she decided to take some extra pain medication while already on enough narcotics to put down King Kong. SO, my 40th birthday gift from her was the initial stopping of her heart... Thank you Drennie.
The three weeks between my birthday and Drennie's death was the worst emotional roller coaster ride I've ever experienced. Putting the divorce on the back burner even, I will never forget the walk from Vassar Brothers Medical Center or the walk down that hallway to Drennie's room which felt like I was walking to my own death sentence. When she finally went home, it was more of a relief to me than anything else. After feeling guilty behind the extra medications, it took me weeks to get over the guilt over feeling this relief... It was just enough time for me to find out another friend had died.
Mindy, for a long time she tried to shake her past... But, after a while, I guess she came to terms with the fact that she'd actually made a lot of good friends back then (in the 80's) and she started coming around. I'd long since forgiven her for tripping out on me for wishing her a happy birthday. I just left her alone. So it was a shock to see a text message saying "Mindy Solinsky passed away on Friday".
Jewish tradition, as brutal as it is, was thankfully less stressful on my emotions than Drennie's episode. Before word could even get out clearly, it was done. The following Monday was her funeral. Grave side service, a nearly plain wooden coffin, no viewing of her body... The hardest part for me was watching an elderly and grief stricken mother using the back side of a shovel to push soil into her daughter's grave.
I thought it was going to be easy working on a degree. Through the distractions, I've managed to fail one class and acquired a fairly low grade in another. Discouragement.
Not everything has been dark and dismal. I'm learning to find solace in my youngest son. Yes, he has some learning issues, but when I think about where he came from to be where he is, I'm actually grateful. His mother, though I don't trust her, really has been good to me as well. Thanking a "Baby Mama" just seems odd.
What I've learned...
From Drennie: life is life and you only get one here. She suffered a pain no one else will ever understand and she's free now. Yes, it was hard to watch her go; but she did what she was meant to do and she'll live on through her three daughters.
From Mindy: again, life is life... But to embrace my past. I've made a lot of good friends over the years and to dismiss any one of them, is just wrong. Even in the worst conditions, there are always times when there are smiles.
There's more, but this entry is already too long.
Drennie, Mindy... I already miss you both.
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