Day One Entry: Dec 15, 2013
It Is interesting trying to live after all of the people who have been closest to you have done nothing but take advantage. When seen from the outside, all that you've been through appears to be your own fault. The people surrounding you will continuously remind you just that.
They will say things like "well you chose to lay with that person" while continuously throwing in-your-face everything you may or may not have done wrong. Even as you move forward with your life, you will continuously be reminded of everything that bites at you. My shoes are heavy with all of the shit that I've had to walk through; yet when I ask for a hand, I'm looked upon as though I'm dirty.
Just today someone told me to "let it go". My reply was that already have. This individual will never understand what it is I've gone through and more importantly what I continue to go through. I don't expect anyone, even people going through the same shit as myself, to understand any of the turmoil I'm forced to endure.
No matter where I go or what I do I'm always looking from the outside in. Seeing people enjoying life, enjoying themselves, enjoying each other while I'm forced to pretend that I'm fitting in. That is the way I live today.
When I do the time to explain what I'm going through in detail to anyone, if I get a response at all it will be the go and seek counseling or some bullshit like that. Counseling so someone can tell me that my belief system is fucked up, or that I'm not experiencing what I am experiencing.
I had someone sit in front of me and tell me that I'm not seeing what I am seeing. In fact they'd argued with me about the bullshit. I remember writing the word "Purple" on a piece of paper, even in purple fucking ink so that they wouldn't get it confused, and I use this as an example of the shit that I've been experiencing.
I asked if they were SIRE that it is not green or red or orange or other motherfucking color. Anything other than purple. This person says "no" that is purple and is written in purple ink. I went on to explain to this individual: that, for example, there have been people who have told me that it is another color. Anything other than the color purple. After this individual realized what I was saying to them, they literally tried to get me to believe that it wasn't the color purple… Hypothetically, of course, and in consistency with the other shit I've been through and trying to explain to them I over the course of maybe an hour.
"That's just the way it is", this motherfucker tried to explain to me.
Basically, I am crazy for seeing something for what it is. Especially if there is someone deliberately trying to put me at a disadvantage. Written rules, even Laws, twisted into insignificant bullshit just to try to make me look fucked up.
So now I'm left with this……
1) I am guilty simply because of the shit that I've gone through.
2) I am crazy because of the way I view the shit that I've gone through.
3) I am delusional because of the way I choose to deal with the shit that I've gone through.
and
4) I am alone going through the shit I continue to go through.
Attempting to change any of the first three will cause nothing but more stress and frustration, therefore I'm alone or going through the shit I continue to go through.
If I do manage to change the fact that I'm alone, it will do nothing more than cause additional stress and frustration that will simply lead to me being alone…. as I continue to go through the shit that I'm going through.
Trying get someone to understand the path I have been forced to walk will only lead to One, Two and or Three. Ultimately leading to me being alone as I continue to go through the shit that I'm going through.
To anyone, who might take time to read this, if you have a solution to this never ending cycle…..
Please let me know.
52° Cloudy
SE, Washington D.C., DC, United States
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