Makes Me Wanna Holler....

[I read this book by Nathan McCall back in 1995... Before going through the bullshit I would go through over the next 15 years... I should have read it TWICE]

My friends think I'm going too far...

Fuckin' really?!?!?

They think I should give her a call...

Now why in the world would I want to do some stupid ass shit like THAT?!?

See, when it comes to her, there are several things to consider; but only one seals the deal... That one thing is her decision to discard me.

It's one thing to sympathize with the "single mother" (Hell, I sympathize with single mothers), but this is not the case here. My feelings would be TOTALLY different had she not "experienced" the following WITH me:

1. How his mother can just drop my son off at the dump that my aunt's house is with not even two days of clothes while knowing my situation at the time (I simply had no place to keep him)... Oh and with no documentation I might add... While she runs off to Trinidad or somewhere for TWO WEEKS!

2. She's washed his little balls herself and seen the scars on his back. She's witnessed how he cowers into a corner when you raise your voice just a little and flinched if you scratch your ear when you're close to him.

3. She knows that he was born prematurely and has seen his developmental problems for herself and knows how his mother refused to allow me to have him evaluated. Something that she refused to do herself until ACS stepped into the picture. [There's another ACS item I won't discuss here, but feel free to ask me about it if you want... It goes along the line of my 5th point here].

4. Even you can dig just a little bit and see the logic of why my son's mother would take me to court for child support while I'm dealing with the things I'm dealing with.

a) Trying to maintain focus on my classes (Calculus is NOT easy when under stress).
b) Unemployed - yet when I'm done with school a BA in Electronics Engineering Technology can go a decent distance... But $0 = STRESS
c) Unstable housing situation - See the little bit of the lyrics from Rakim's song "Man Above" two blog entries below.

5. The question I've asked every other person I've confided in across the board... "Why won't they work with me?"

So, now, I ask you: Can you find a SINGLE reason WHY I should not be just a LITTLE ticked about These Five Points?

Of course you can. It all boils down to #5 and the true answer to that burning question.

So, here it is... She doesn't like my vibe when I'm upset about these things and feels disrespected when I won't discuss them with her. I truly believe it has more to do with her history than anything else. MAYBE she's had to deal with some sort of physical abuse in the past and looks at me like I'm going to take a swing on her if I get too upset.....

Really?!?!?

It THAT what it is...?

Truth be told, it really isn't any of her business. What IS/WAS her business is/was ME. What a lot of women don't seem to realize is that all it takes to smooth a brother out when he's stressed about these types of issues is a hand on his back and the words "it will be okay". It may not do much to ease his tension, but it makes a hell of a difference. You're a Mary J. fan just as she is. In the least, he will look to you as his home much in the same way he looked to his mother who died 19 years ago.

Yes, I do sympathize with "the single mother". (There's a song "Single Mothers" by Talib Kweli that really hits home with me -- look it up when you get the chance). She is a single mother; and I have "selflessly" assisted her with her son when ever the need materialized. But I never crossed the line, I remained unbiased... ALWAYS when it came to "baby-daddy-issues". Even when I disagreed with her feelings whether it was in her favor or even when it added to her disadvantage (the latter happened to be quite often). Additionally, even at this point, I have never backtracked on anything I've ever done for either her or her son.

Loyalty and Support...

The one lesson I did learn from all of this shit is that it doesn't exist. Even the seemingly nicest motherfucker you come across will have their own selfish agenda and will quickly relieve themselves of you before considering trying to help you find a way to relieve you of the stress that's trying to kill you.

Nathan McCall said it best in his first book "Makes Me Wanna Holler" when he wrote something along the lines of this...

A woman will follow you to hell but she won't go through it with you.

So true.

--

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Broken Toys...

Every time I've gone through this terrible cycle, I seem to leave something behind. In 1993, I left my art. In 2000 I left my legacy. In 2004 I lost every souvenir I've ever picked up from every port visit. In 2009, I lost my car and at least 1/3 of all I own.

Over the course of the past two years, I've lost another third of what I own and then now....

I left a few things behind. The stationary I intended to use to pull my distant family members back together. My 500 GB hard drive. My hard cover of Alex Haley's Roots along with some other books.

But, this time was different.

Each time I've gone through this cycle, a little bit of my heart died. At first, it seemed like this time was just like the others.

As I placed the last of the trash bags full of my shit outside, she felt the need to follow me. I remember saying "I got this" and asking "why are you bothering to come out here".

Women do the strangest things.

When I showed up at my aunt's door... The woman who "claims" to be my birth mother... After an hour of sitting at the door, my so-called birth mother calls the police. When they come, she tells them that she can't take me in because my cousin is coming home from jail in three days and tells me to go to a shelter?

This time was definitely different.

I called up a friend of mine around the corner. She let me leave what was left of my things at her place. A container and some clothes that were still wet from laundry I did earlier that day. From there, I just wandered.

Eventually, I would end up in a bar for about three hours. Trying to get as drunk as possible. Then I headed to the subway. Eventually, I'd get off the train in my aunt's neighborhood; but I just wandered around for a few more hours. A little bit of this is kind of foggy as I think I was able to nap at my friend's house for a little bit.

But soon, I was wandering once again. I got an offer from PA and I took it.

After 2 weeks of more damage than repair, I realized the difference. This time, I may have left what remained of my heart on Metcalf and Cypress Avenues.

Yeah, this time WAS different.

Sometime during that drunken night (or maybe even the next day). I sent her two messages. One was a screen shot of a brief conversation with my brother (see the blog entry before last) and another three words: "Thanks a MILLION".

What still lies on "Her" floor, even after she picked up the clothes she bought me for Christmas and other rubbish left from my hasted packing is my heart and most of my humanity. What little remains of that I'm saving for someone special.

Yeah, this time is way different.

--

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

~~ "Man Above" by Rakim

[Shit speaks volumes]

I figured out what was talkin' with me.
When I do right I feel Him walkin' with me.
So I'm adamant, some call it arrogance.
I can cope it cause I know I'm broke for having sense.
But my back against the wall it's gettin' rough to get a buck.
And a job with a minimum wage won't get enough.
Faced with givin' up and my lady friend beefin' ends ain't meetin'
We're just an argument away from splittin' up.
It gets lonely, my fam disowned me
They call me the black sheep because I act street.
Yeah it's that deep.
I try to change clique homies flipped on me cause I don't hang.
--
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

WOW..... At least my brother gives a shit