My friends think I'm going too far...
Fuckin' really?!?!?
They think I should give her a call...
Now why in the world would I want to do some stupid ass shit like THAT?!?
See, when it comes to her, there are several things to consider; but only one seals the deal... That one thing is her decision to discard me.
It's one thing to sympathize with the "single mother" (Hell, I sympathize with single mothers), but this is not the case here. My feelings would be TOTALLY different had she not "experienced" the following WITH me:
1. How his mother can just drop my son off at the dump that my aunt's house is with not even two days of clothes while knowing my situation at the time (I simply had no place to keep him)... Oh and with no documentation I might add... While she runs off to Trinidad or somewhere for TWO WEEKS!
2. She's washed his little balls herself and seen the scars on his back. She's witnessed how he cowers into a corner when you raise your voice just a little and flinched if you scratch your ear when you're close to him.
3. She knows that he was born prematurely and has seen his developmental problems for herself and knows how his mother refused to allow me to have him evaluated. Something that she refused to do herself until ACS stepped into the picture. [There's another ACS item I won't discuss here, but feel free to ask me about it if you want... It goes along the line of my 5th point here].
4. Even you can dig just a little bit and see the logic of why my son's mother would take me to court for child support while I'm dealing with the things I'm dealing with.
a) Trying to maintain focus on my classes (Calculus is NOT easy when under stress).
b) Unemployed - yet when I'm done with school a BA in Electronics Engineering Technology can go a decent distance... But $0 = STRESS
c) Unstable housing situation - See the little bit of the lyrics from Rakim's song "Man Above" two blog entries below.
5. The question I've asked every other person I've confided in across the board... "Why won't they work with me?"
So, now, I ask you: Can you find a SINGLE reason WHY I should not be just a LITTLE ticked about These Five Points?
Of course you can. It all boils down to #5 and the true answer to that burning question.
So, here it is... She doesn't like my vibe when I'm upset about these things and feels disrespected when I won't discuss them with her. I truly believe it has more to do with her history than anything else. MAYBE she's had to deal with some sort of physical abuse in the past and looks at me like I'm going to take a swing on her if I get too upset.....
Really?!?!?
It THAT what it is...?
Truth be told, it really isn't any of her business. What IS/WAS her business is/was ME. What a lot of women don't seem to realize is that all it takes to smooth a brother out when he's stressed about these types of issues is a hand on his back and the words "it will be okay". It may not do much to ease his tension, but it makes a hell of a difference. You're a Mary J. fan just as she is. In the least, he will look to you as his home much in the same way he looked to his mother who died 19 years ago.
Yes, I do sympathize with "the single mother". (There's a song "Single Mothers" by Talib Kweli that really hits home with me -- look it up when you get the chance). She is a single mother; and I have "selflessly" assisted her with her son when ever the need materialized. But I never crossed the line, I remained unbiased... ALWAYS when it came to "baby-daddy-issues". Even when I disagreed with her feelings whether it was in her favor or even when it added to her disadvantage (the latter happened to be quite often). Additionally, even at this point, I have never backtracked on anything I've ever done for either her or her son.
Loyalty and Support...
The one lesson I did learn from all of this shit is that it doesn't exist. Even the seemingly nicest motherfucker you come across will have their own selfish agenda and will quickly relieve themselves of you before considering trying to help you find a way to relieve you of the stress that's trying to kill you.
Nathan McCall said it best in his first book "Makes Me Wanna Holler" when he wrote something along the lines of this...
A woman will follow you to hell but she won't go through it with you.
So true.
--
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
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