Shit's gonna change...

WARNING: I am expressing my feelings here in the way that I'm feeling them... Yes, this is the way I vent.

You know, I'm just about tired of the bullshit I have to endure from some folks.

I am no longer in the military... All of the shit you motherfuckers imagined I had when I was, I DEFINITELY don't have now. Yet, there you are, with your hand out, like you have the right to some kind of fucking reward. I don't know about that little world you're in, but in THIS world, you can't get grape juice from a rock, no matter how hard you squeeze it.

I can go on and on about what I wanted to do, about what I tried to bring together, and about what I wanted to build... But what's the fuckin' point? If you were given something that never existed and it was taken away... Would you miss it?

I remember one morning, while ironing my clothes for work, hearing the chaplain say the following on the radio:

"Two people, working together, can do more than twice as much as one person working alone".

I've believed that shit for I don't know how long. For YEARS I've tried to share my vision, based on the concept of THOSE VERY SAME WORDS, with you assholes... And for what? To be ignored, ridiculed, and disrespected while you reach into my pockets to pull apart the threads because there's no money in there.

Well... "I forgive your lack of vision, however I'm moving ahead." (@BrookeLorion ~ Jul 20, 2010 17:56)

I know there's supposed to be a certain level of tolerance for blood and specific institutionalized ideals... But, fuck that... I've reached my limit, and I do NOT intend to even make the gesture of concealing my disdain.

I stayed for as long as I could... I followed, even though I was deliberately being led away from everyone and everything I knew. Across the pond I went. Once there, I was literally on my fucking own. Every spouse I met that was worth their weight in water worked with theirs, shared with theirs and even assisted theirs in finding their place to support theirs. I also watched some do nothing...

I provided to those who needed when I really didn't have to. Even when it came to the point were I could use what I was providing for them. The lack of support to me was clearly evident when a certain someone allowed that something to be taken away JUST to hurt ME. That certain someone knew what my plans were for this thing too... Even more of a reason to let it go away.

The selfish and the ignorant... I want this and I want that. Nevermind the cost or the fact that... Well... It just can't be afforded right now. Money doesn't grow on trees and you are not my only responsibility. Additionally, what can't be gotten "right now" CAN be gotten over time with planning some vision and a little bit of fucking patience. But if you want it that much, you're old enough to work now... Go and get a fucking job.

Then, there are those who really take no consideration, what-so-ever, about what my situation really is. Where am I standing, what I'm trying to do for the future of the whole, what the environment is like where I tread. Then, for their own selfish purposes, they drop all the responsibility on me at a time when I cannot even provide the basic needs for myself.

I've hardly heard a fucking peep from that particular fucker since. At least nothing significant. I'm talking about the one who decided they wanted to spend $1600+ for more than they needed instead of living two hours away and having those same needs met. ALL because they wanted to live closer to their mother...

Six years later, they don't even speak to their mother... Go fucking figure.

This is only SOME of the dumb shit I've had to deal with... I can go on ranting for hours about this shit... But why? The only person I can blame is myself for being involved with these motherfuckers in the first place.

Shit's gonna change... And the change starts today.

I aint dead yet.

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A Moment To Cleanse My Mind...

Location: lat=40.57307 long=-73.98008

The cool thing about technology is it let's you document your experiences remotely and share them with the world. You can copy and paste the above lat/long onto Google or Bing to see exactly where I'm standing... Or at least pretty damned close.

My iPod seems to know what I'm feeling as it plays "Dreams" by The Allman Brothers Band.

A lot has changed since the last time I was here. The old subway station with the wooden turnstiles is gone, and with it, the smell of what to expect outside. In its place, a brand new high tech, environmentally friendly station that looks like something out a scifi movie.

Once outside, the first thing I noticed were all the closed shops... Many of the ones I remember gone altogether. The Carousel my parents used to ride before we left to go home is now a furniture store and the small patch of grass under the aquarium overpass we used to picnic before the rides and the beach was closed off for renovations.

A walk through the park revealed a lot of cool new rides... The Wonder Wheel will always be there... The tower is shut down though. The old parachute frame is still there. But the other old roller coaster I can never remember ever working is gone... In it's place is the circus... Now THAT's cool.

The whole purpose of me coming out here was to clear my mind... and smell the ocean. I was pleasantly greeted with a continuous twelve knot wind carrying to me exactly what I came for... Thank You King Neptune for granting a Shellback his wish.

Now that I'm feeling refreshed, it's time to hit Nathan's for a dog and get back to work...

I know what I have to do now.



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Without Solace..... What?

My dear friend Drennie (bless her crazy ass soul) once told me that there are some women out there who purposely try to drive a man to the point where he'll flip out and whup her ass... Or worse.

The way it works is by constantly switching subjects, bringing up old shit or just overwhelming him with dumb shit beyond the loss of his ability to think and to the point where he even loses his sense of reason. It's kinda like what's going on with Mel Gibson. All you hear are his rants but you never EVER hear the beginning of the conversations.

My story goes like this:

Due to a slight miscalculation, a chain of events occurred leaving me penniless and unable to pay my rent... No rent money, no home... Effectively homeless. Not all that big of a problem. That can be worked around. But then everything goes to hell when, after I told her I HAVE NO PLACE to keep him, my son's mother decides to drop him in my lap like a bag of dirt so SHE can go fuck.

Oh, but wait a minute... This happens while, in addition to my situation, she's under investigation by Children's Services. On top of all of that, he was born 3 months early and has special needs.

The first place I brought him (my one remaining place of solace in many ways) didn't quite work out. He threw some tantrums and needed to be away from there. His needs put unnecessary stress on my host and their child. When it reached a certain point, I packed him up and took him to my Family Place #1.

Family Place #1, by my standards and I'm sure by ACS' standard is NOT the ideal place for my son to be for many reasons. The first night was fine since we were pretty much left alone. But with the second and by the third night of being asked to move my son from a bed to the couch or floor so somebody can fuck... I'd had enough. Again, I just packed him up and left.

Having no clue as to where I was headed, I called my oldest daughter hoping to let him spend the night with her while I sorted things out. That didn't work out because of issues with her grandmother. So I called the one family member left in NYC I thought I could trust.

On to Family Place #2

Family Place #2 ended up being a problem because the host there, without me showing up, was already under significant strain due to all sorts of problems I care not to mention. The issues with my son only made things worse.

On the second full night, the host's son had his kids come over to keep my son company. This didn't turn out well. My son's needs gets him excited when he's around other children. After a while tho, he did calm down. But when he came out to use the bathroom, my host refused to let him go back to crash with the other kids.

Then things really got crazy... My host decided to go on a midnight cleaning spree while complaining about things that had nothing to do with me. After a bit of this and a simple ass altercation over some soy sauce packets, I started feeling reeeally unwelcome. So I packed him up yet again and took him to the last place in the city I 'thought' I could go...

Back to the original spot.

By now, my ability to even think straight is gone. The following days I just felt nothing but building rage. So I look to try and find ways to expend the energy, but there is none. I'm told that I'm shutting people out. That's something I'm still finding difficult to understand since the person who's saying this to me is going through it with me.

But, after analyzing it all, I realize that "I" do have a mental problem... See, it's MY belief that since I haven't flipped out... yet... that my coping skills are on point. But that's only in MY little world.

Where all I want is a little fucking solace right now.

And, so here I go to drop him off with his mother.....

Hopefully, I won't make the evening news.

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X6

Success...! I made it through my Algebra class with a surprisingly pleasant grade and my Sociology grade follows up quite nicely. Though, extremely stressful, I managed to do better than expected. Especially after Saturday's dual exams. #brainfry

Then Father's Day... A day I've dreaded for a very long time. I used this Sunday to reflect on some issues I needed to put on hold, at least, until I completed my finals and had a little space to breathe; especially two in particular that have come up recently I simply haven't had time to process correctly. With the short break from classes, I figured I'd have plenty of time to straighten those and other pressing issues out.

Then the fucking floodgates opened.

Between Monday and today, I was hit with another series of "issues".... FOUR more to be exact. Now, after being slammed with some bullshit from SIX different directions in such a short period of time, I've come to the conclusion that the time has come for me to change how I deal with certain things... and my attitude.

But not before a period of of reflection and to make an assessment of my progress since making the decision to take this path on 21 June 2009...

To pursue that Bachelor's Degree.

Although I plan to remain "out-of-reach" for the next two or three days, I'm not shutting the door or burning any bridges. I will, however, be taking inventory and doing a lot of prioritizing.

That is all.....

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YOU THINK YOU'VE GOT IT BAD

From Lyfe Jennings' album, "Lyfe Change"
Lyrics by LYFE JENNINGS (feat. Wyclef Jean):

No guts no glory  

No pain, no story  

Mama mama don't you worry  

Heaven on my mind, forever on my grind  

Tell God, sorry  

If this ain't heaven where the hell are we  

This kind of plane is so unusual  

I'm beautiful, dammit, I'm beautiful  

[Bridge:]  

See everything happens for a reason  

And the season (the reason and the season)  

Everything, happens some place and time  

So before the mirror shines  

Some people never see the light  

[Hook: Lyfe Jennings]  

You, You Think You've Got It Bad  

You think the world owe you something but it don't owe you nothing  

You, you think that you've got it bad  

Some people have never had a chance at life  

[Wyclef Jean:]  

I live, I die, I laugh I cry  

The more I stay, the more the earth expends, and lends itself to sin  

For Benjamin, I seen him crack his head with the Heineken  

Then snatched his chain  

The same place the sun fall, that's where it rains  

And the same place the eagle fly, down comes the pain  

And the same girl that bring me joy, she bring me pain  

[Bridge:]  

See everything happens for a reason (reason)  

And the season (seasons)  

Everything, every single place and time  

Some people never shine  

Some people never see the sky  

 
[Hook:]  

You, you think you've got it bad  

You think the world owe you something but it don't owe you nothing  

You, you think that you've got it bad  

Some people have never had a chance at life  

[Wyclef Jean:]  

You should everybody shine put your hands in the air let me see touch ya the sky light  

[Lyfe Jennings:]  

This time I'll give my energy and patience, success is waiting  

[Wyclef Jean:]  

You grind, everybody grind, if I ever used to grind I will never touch the skyline  

[Lyfe Jennings:]  

Will I ever see the sky light, will I ever see the skylight (skylight)  

 

[Hook:]  

You, you think you've got it bad  

You think the world owe you something but it don't owe you nothing  

You, you think that you've got it bad  

Some people have never had a chance at life

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The Place Is STILL Abandoned...

In the above photo is an old abandoned school I'd written about in my first essay for English 112. While walking by the place, I noticed they still haven't done anything with it...

I wonder why...

Anyway, here's the essay:

10 Sep 2009
ENGL-112
Prof. Kinsley

Ghosts, They Could Be Anywhere

Believing in ghosts isn't always the easiest thing to do. Something you think you might have seen, but you're just not quite sure. Then, of course, there's the part of describing to someone else exactly what it was you saw. You could get laughed at, ridiculed, or just not taken seriously. Then again, there might be the chance that you weren't alone in seeing what you thought you saw. A ghost, a spirit from the afterlife; the real truth is, people probably see ghosts every day and simply don't realize their ghosts.

My experience with ghosts brings the thought to question: WHO is a ghost, rather than do they exist. There was one time when a few friends of mine and I were certain what we saw could be nothing but a pair of ghosts at an old abandoned building across the street from our grade school.
 
One day, when we escaped from the prison (the schoolyard during recess), we were hanging out in the courtyard of this place which happened to be an old abandoned school. Just hanging around talking about what must have been going on in this old ancient building, kicking cans and doing things that third graders do. We finally got curious enough to look through some of the windows to see all kinds of trash strewn throughout what was more than likely the cafeteria. Windows were busted out. Someone had started a fire in one of the corners some time ago. The place was really nasty.

Well, as we reflected on what must have happened to the place, an old couple walked up to us from inside one of the windows and asked us if we should be getting back to class. Of course we joked around with the old couple for a little while and finally agreed that we should. I remember the old lady saying how good that was and that education was important. We turned around to leave and thought about what'd just happened. When we went back to the window, the old couple was gone.
 

Well, they looked real enough. They weren't transparent. They didn't walk through the wall or anything. They were two real people who talked to us, were dressed decently if not a little old fashioned, and even gave us advice. They were just in a place that doesn't seem like a place they should be, and when we looked twice, wasn't there.

I've talked with one of the friends who experienced this with me not long ago, and he says the same thing. It was one unreal experience and one we will never forget. Both of us look around to this day and silently wonder not if ghosts exist; but who and where they are.

I just wanted to share.

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3 YEAR PLAN...

Just over a year ago, I began putting together a three year plan to do the following:

• Acquire a degree of higher education
• Recover financial losses incurred between 2006 & 2009
• Separate myself from the negative shroud that's seemingly covered me since 1994

The past fifteen months have not been easy with all that's happened... The heaviest part of it all is the loss of several friends to mortality. Tomorrow, I intend to face that dark place yet again as I say goodbye to yet another friend.

Damon Wayans said it perfectly in his analogy of the male "mid-life crisis" in an interview with Tavis Smiley. It struck him when he was hit with a very close death, a divorce, and a move... and then, when he looked in the mirror only to find death staring back at him. In that, I must say, he'd just described the last year of my life.

Soon, I will be taking an assessment of my progress so far. From where I'm standing, about to start this battery of Algebra exams (it is safe to assume multiple definitions of the word "battery").

It's hard, but I'm keeping my head up.

-----
#nowplaying "Don't Give Up" covered by #Bono & @aliciakeys


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Seven Years Ago...[NTS]

Not long ago (5 February 2010) my son Ezekiel turned seven (7) years old. Yes he was born premature and, as you can see, he has come quite a long way.

He spent nearly three months in Kapiolani Medical Center's neonatal intensive care ward. During this time, my boat was in Pearl Harbor shipyard, so I was working some pretty crazy hours. From 7:30am (6:30 on duty days which were every three days) to no earlier than 6pm (18:00 for you military types).

Well, without a car during this time, living almost two hours away from the hospital and over an hour away from work, this was a very challenging time... But someone was almost always with him day and night.

His mother, after taking his sister to school would bus it to the hospital in the morning to stay until about 7pm when she HAD to go and pick up Joycelyn. Sometimes we'd see each other... Sometimes we wouldn't. Some nights I would get to the hospital between 7 & 8pm and stay the night... Other nights I would take the last bus home at 1am... arriving at 3am to shower, take a quick nap and head right back to work. After an altercation on the boat, the CO gave the order to release me at 5pm daily (except duty days) to alleviate some of the stress.

The weekends, when I wasn't on duty weren't as bad. I simply didn't go home.

When he finally did come home, there were no issues. In fact, he grew rather quickly. But it was during that trying time that I learned some serious lessons.

It was also during that time when I decided I was leaving the Navy.
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There's No Such Thing As A Good "Trend"

• Sometimes, life seems like it's taking you around in circles... Right now feels like one of those times.

WHAT'S BEEN HAPPENING:

• I feel my family failing even more. Like everyone is drifting further and further apart. I saw my brother in SC last week, and it felt almost like he was a stranger; and his remains a complete mystery to me. I do get good vibes from her... I just don't know where she stands. It was cool meeting my new nephew (named after me). He will grow up to look exactly like his father too.

• I recently had a series of conversations about love last week. How do you let go of someone you love?

I came to the point where I knew that anything I did, the lady I was with would not be satisfied. She and I could be alone and on a deserted island, and she would find a reason for me to be thinking about someone else.

I have this to say to any woman who doesn't believe the man (or, in some cases... the woman) she's with wants to be with her and ONLY her... Just ask them. If you don't believe his/her answer... THEN LEAVE! Why go through the turmoil of thinking your partner wants someone else? Eventually, you're only going to drive them away from you anyway.

So what's the point in dragging it out?

• Another weekend with my son. A Happy Meal, trip to the movies (gotta love Zoe as an Avatar), a ride on the train... In the morning, we'll do the breakfast thing. Polish off the rest of the homework... I might put him on to some Batman on the PS3. I need to get a racing game and another controller.

Then there's the trip back. I know he'll enjoy the train ride... He always does.

• I discovered a long time ago that the male confidence lies in what's on his feet. Everything else is additional, but the main thing is the feet.

I think it's because that's where most women look first.

I could be wrong.

MUSIC I'M HEARING

• "Two Steps Away" by Patti LaBelle

Yeah, I'm still feeling this song.

• "Single Mothers" by C-Rayz Walz

A message to single mothers to stay positive no matter how rough it gets. I remember the first time I heard it and thinking about the people I wanted to hear it too.

An example of that "Real Hip-Hop".

NEW IDEAS:

• I need to find a way to balance out my life. Too much is trying to happen at the same time again.

• Family... I need to try and reach out to more family.

• Time Management... There is time enough for everything. I just have to figure out the pieces to the puzzle. Next week, at this time, I WILL have all primary tasks completed. This week, I'm at less than 50%

CLOSING NOTE:

• I think I finally understand what it must have been like to be my parents. Both of them were wrapped up in distractions to realize my siblings and I were growing into a world they didn't understand. The result being, none of us were properly grounded.

My goal is to change that for us, and eliminate that trend for our offspring.

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Hard Decisions...

It wasn't easy... Choosing to leave, this time, was the hardest decision I've ever made. I guess it was knowing that what I was walking away from would never survive. The real question is, would it have survived had I stayed.

I already know the answer... This decision would have been made by someone else for me had I not done it myself.

Now, I'm just trying to repair all of the damage. Hopefully, the world won't end before I'm done with this college thing and the economy fixes itself. It would be nice to know that career is waiting for me.

As for her? I really hope she finds what she couldn't find in me.

I'm hearing the song "Two Steps Away" by Patti LaBelle right now... Wondering.

If two days ago were my birthday, then today would be the day I'm called home.

Perhaps, one day in the future, we'll be able to just talk.

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