Without Solace..... What?

My dear friend Drennie (bless her crazy ass soul) once told me that there are some women out there who purposely try to drive a man to the point where he'll flip out and whup her ass... Or worse.

The way it works is by constantly switching subjects, bringing up old shit or just overwhelming him with dumb shit beyond the loss of his ability to think and to the point where he even loses his sense of reason. It's kinda like what's going on with Mel Gibson. All you hear are his rants but you never EVER hear the beginning of the conversations.

My story goes like this:

Due to a slight miscalculation, a chain of events occurred leaving me penniless and unable to pay my rent... No rent money, no home... Effectively homeless. Not all that big of a problem. That can be worked around. But then everything goes to hell when, after I told her I HAVE NO PLACE to keep him, my son's mother decides to drop him in my lap like a bag of dirt so SHE can go fuck.

Oh, but wait a minute... This happens while, in addition to my situation, she's under investigation by Children's Services. On top of all of that, he was born 3 months early and has special needs.

The first place I brought him (my one remaining place of solace in many ways) didn't quite work out. He threw some tantrums and needed to be away from there. His needs put unnecessary stress on my host and their child. When it reached a certain point, I packed him up and took him to my Family Place #1.

Family Place #1, by my standards and I'm sure by ACS' standard is NOT the ideal place for my son to be for many reasons. The first night was fine since we were pretty much left alone. But with the second and by the third night of being asked to move my son from a bed to the couch or floor so somebody can fuck... I'd had enough. Again, I just packed him up and left.

Having no clue as to where I was headed, I called my oldest daughter hoping to let him spend the night with her while I sorted things out. That didn't work out because of issues with her grandmother. So I called the one family member left in NYC I thought I could trust.

On to Family Place #2

Family Place #2 ended up being a problem because the host there, without me showing up, was already under significant strain due to all sorts of problems I care not to mention. The issues with my son only made things worse.

On the second full night, the host's son had his kids come over to keep my son company. This didn't turn out well. My son's needs gets him excited when he's around other children. After a while tho, he did calm down. But when he came out to use the bathroom, my host refused to let him go back to crash with the other kids.

Then things really got crazy... My host decided to go on a midnight cleaning spree while complaining about things that had nothing to do with me. After a bit of this and a simple ass altercation over some soy sauce packets, I started feeling reeeally unwelcome. So I packed him up yet again and took him to the last place in the city I 'thought' I could go...

Back to the original spot.

By now, my ability to even think straight is gone. The following days I just felt nothing but building rage. So I look to try and find ways to expend the energy, but there is none. I'm told that I'm shutting people out. That's something I'm still finding difficult to understand since the person who's saying this to me is going through it with me.

But, after analyzing it all, I realize that "I" do have a mental problem... See, it's MY belief that since I haven't flipped out... yet... that my coping skills are on point. But that's only in MY little world.

Where all I want is a little fucking solace right now.

And, so here I go to drop him off with his mother.....

Hopefully, I won't make the evening news.

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

X6

Success...! I made it through my Algebra class with a surprisingly pleasant grade and my Sociology grade follows up quite nicely. Though, extremely stressful, I managed to do better than expected. Especially after Saturday's dual exams. #brainfry

Then Father's Day... A day I've dreaded for a very long time. I used this Sunday to reflect on some issues I needed to put on hold, at least, until I completed my finals and had a little space to breathe; especially two in particular that have come up recently I simply haven't had time to process correctly. With the short break from classes, I figured I'd have plenty of time to straighten those and other pressing issues out.

Then the fucking floodgates opened.

Between Monday and today, I was hit with another series of "issues".... FOUR more to be exact. Now, after being slammed with some bullshit from SIX different directions in such a short period of time, I've come to the conclusion that the time has come for me to change how I deal with certain things... and my attitude.

But not before a period of of reflection and to make an assessment of my progress since making the decision to take this path on 21 June 2009...

To pursue that Bachelor's Degree.

Although I plan to remain "out-of-reach" for the next two or three days, I'm not shutting the door or burning any bridges. I will, however, be taking inventory and doing a lot of prioritizing.

That is all.....

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

YOU THINK YOU'VE GOT IT BAD

From Lyfe Jennings' album, "Lyfe Change"
Lyrics by LYFE JENNINGS (feat. Wyclef Jean):

No guts no glory  

No pain, no story  

Mama mama don't you worry  

Heaven on my mind, forever on my grind  

Tell God, sorry  

If this ain't heaven where the hell are we  

This kind of plane is so unusual  

I'm beautiful, dammit, I'm beautiful  

[Bridge:]  

See everything happens for a reason  

And the season (the reason and the season)  

Everything, happens some place and time  

So before the mirror shines  

Some people never see the light  

[Hook: Lyfe Jennings]  

You, You Think You've Got It Bad  

You think the world owe you something but it don't owe you nothing  

You, you think that you've got it bad  

Some people have never had a chance at life  

[Wyclef Jean:]  

I live, I die, I laugh I cry  

The more I stay, the more the earth expends, and lends itself to sin  

For Benjamin, I seen him crack his head with the Heineken  

Then snatched his chain  

The same place the sun fall, that's where it rains  

And the same place the eagle fly, down comes the pain  

And the same girl that bring me joy, she bring me pain  

[Bridge:]  

See everything happens for a reason (reason)  

And the season (seasons)  

Everything, every single place and time  

Some people never shine  

Some people never see the sky  

 
[Hook:]  

You, you think you've got it bad  

You think the world owe you something but it don't owe you nothing  

You, you think that you've got it bad  

Some people have never had a chance at life  

[Wyclef Jean:]  

You should everybody shine put your hands in the air let me see touch ya the sky light  

[Lyfe Jennings:]  

This time I'll give my energy and patience, success is waiting  

[Wyclef Jean:]  

You grind, everybody grind, if I ever used to grind I will never touch the skyline  

[Lyfe Jennings:]  

Will I ever see the sky light, will I ever see the skylight (skylight)  

 

[Hook:]  

You, you think you've got it bad  

You think the world owe you something but it don't owe you nothing  

You, you think that you've got it bad  

Some people have never had a chance at life

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

The Place Is STILL Abandoned...

In the above photo is an old abandoned school I'd written about in my first essay for English 112. While walking by the place, I noticed they still haven't done anything with it...

I wonder why...

Anyway, here's the essay:

10 Sep 2009
ENGL-112
Prof. Kinsley

Ghosts, They Could Be Anywhere

Believing in ghosts isn't always the easiest thing to do. Something you think you might have seen, but you're just not quite sure. Then, of course, there's the part of describing to someone else exactly what it was you saw. You could get laughed at, ridiculed, or just not taken seriously. Then again, there might be the chance that you weren't alone in seeing what you thought you saw. A ghost, a spirit from the afterlife; the real truth is, people probably see ghosts every day and simply don't realize their ghosts.

My experience with ghosts brings the thought to question: WHO is a ghost, rather than do they exist. There was one time when a few friends of mine and I were certain what we saw could be nothing but a pair of ghosts at an old abandoned building across the street from our grade school.
 
One day, when we escaped from the prison (the schoolyard during recess), we were hanging out in the courtyard of this place which happened to be an old abandoned school. Just hanging around talking about what must have been going on in this old ancient building, kicking cans and doing things that third graders do. We finally got curious enough to look through some of the windows to see all kinds of trash strewn throughout what was more than likely the cafeteria. Windows were busted out. Someone had started a fire in one of the corners some time ago. The place was really nasty.

Well, as we reflected on what must have happened to the place, an old couple walked up to us from inside one of the windows and asked us if we should be getting back to class. Of course we joked around with the old couple for a little while and finally agreed that we should. I remember the old lady saying how good that was and that education was important. We turned around to leave and thought about what'd just happened. When we went back to the window, the old couple was gone.
 

Well, they looked real enough. They weren't transparent. They didn't walk through the wall or anything. They were two real people who talked to us, were dressed decently if not a little old fashioned, and even gave us advice. They were just in a place that doesn't seem like a place they should be, and when we looked twice, wasn't there.

I've talked with one of the friends who experienced this with me not long ago, and he says the same thing. It was one unreal experience and one we will never forget. Both of us look around to this day and silently wonder not if ghosts exist; but who and where they are.

I just wanted to share.

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

3 YEAR PLAN...

Just over a year ago, I began putting together a three year plan to do the following:

• Acquire a degree of higher education
• Recover financial losses incurred between 2006 & 2009
• Separate myself from the negative shroud that's seemingly covered me since 1994

The past fifteen months have not been easy with all that's happened... The heaviest part of it all is the loss of several friends to mortality. Tomorrow, I intend to face that dark place yet again as I say goodbye to yet another friend.

Damon Wayans said it perfectly in his analogy of the male "mid-life crisis" in an interview with Tavis Smiley. It struck him when he was hit with a very close death, a divorce, and a move... and then, when he looked in the mirror only to find death staring back at him. In that, I must say, he'd just described the last year of my life.

Soon, I will be taking an assessment of my progress so far. From where I'm standing, about to start this battery of Algebra exams (it is safe to assume multiple definitions of the word "battery").

It's hard, but I'm keeping my head up.

-----
#nowplaying "Don't Give Up" covered by #Bono & @aliciakeys


Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Seven Years Ago...[NTS]

Not long ago (5 February 2010) my son Ezekiel turned seven (7) years old. Yes he was born premature and, as you can see, he has come quite a long way.

He spent nearly three months in Kapiolani Medical Center's neonatal intensive care ward. During this time, my boat was in Pearl Harbor shipyard, so I was working some pretty crazy hours. From 7:30am (6:30 on duty days which were every three days) to no earlier than 6pm (18:00 for you military types).

Well, without a car during this time, living almost two hours away from the hospital and over an hour away from work, this was a very challenging time... But someone was almost always with him day and night.

His mother, after taking his sister to school would bus it to the hospital in the morning to stay until about 7pm when she HAD to go and pick up Joycelyn. Sometimes we'd see each other... Sometimes we wouldn't. Some nights I would get to the hospital between 7 & 8pm and stay the night... Other nights I would take the last bus home at 1am... arriving at 3am to shower, take a quick nap and head right back to work. After an altercation on the boat, the CO gave the order to release me at 5pm daily (except duty days) to alleviate some of the stress.

The weekends, when I wasn't on duty weren't as bad. I simply didn't go home.

When he finally did come home, there were no issues. In fact, he grew rather quickly. But it was during that trying time that I learned some serious lessons.

It was also during that time when I decided I was leaving the Navy.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

There's No Such Thing As A Good "Trend"

• Sometimes, life seems like it's taking you around in circles... Right now feels like one of those times.

WHAT'S BEEN HAPPENING:

• I feel my family failing even more. Like everyone is drifting further and further apart. I saw my brother in SC last week, and it felt almost like he was a stranger; and his remains a complete mystery to me. I do get good vibes from her... I just don't know where she stands. It was cool meeting my new nephew (named after me). He will grow up to look exactly like his father too.

• I recently had a series of conversations about love last week. How do you let go of someone you love?

I came to the point where I knew that anything I did, the lady I was with would not be satisfied. She and I could be alone and on a deserted island, and she would find a reason for me to be thinking about someone else.

I have this to say to any woman who doesn't believe the man (or, in some cases... the woman) she's with wants to be with her and ONLY her... Just ask them. If you don't believe his/her answer... THEN LEAVE! Why go through the turmoil of thinking your partner wants someone else? Eventually, you're only going to drive them away from you anyway.

So what's the point in dragging it out?

• Another weekend with my son. A Happy Meal, trip to the movies (gotta love Zoe as an Avatar), a ride on the train... In the morning, we'll do the breakfast thing. Polish off the rest of the homework... I might put him on to some Batman on the PS3. I need to get a racing game and another controller.

Then there's the trip back. I know he'll enjoy the train ride... He always does.

• I discovered a long time ago that the male confidence lies in what's on his feet. Everything else is additional, but the main thing is the feet.

I think it's because that's where most women look first.

I could be wrong.

MUSIC I'M HEARING

• "Two Steps Away" by Patti LaBelle

Yeah, I'm still feeling this song.

• "Single Mothers" by C-Rayz Walz

A message to single mothers to stay positive no matter how rough it gets. I remember the first time I heard it and thinking about the people I wanted to hear it too.

An example of that "Real Hip-Hop".

NEW IDEAS:

• I need to find a way to balance out my life. Too much is trying to happen at the same time again.

• Family... I need to try and reach out to more family.

• Time Management... There is time enough for everything. I just have to figure out the pieces to the puzzle. Next week, at this time, I WILL have all primary tasks completed. This week, I'm at less than 50%

CLOSING NOTE:

• I think I finally understand what it must have been like to be my parents. Both of them were wrapped up in distractions to realize my siblings and I were growing into a world they didn't understand. The result being, none of us were properly grounded.

My goal is to change that for us, and eliminate that trend for our offspring.

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Hard Decisions...

It wasn't easy... Choosing to leave, this time, was the hardest decision I've ever made. I guess it was knowing that what I was walking away from would never survive. The real question is, would it have survived had I stayed.

I already know the answer... This decision would have been made by someone else for me had I not done it myself.

Now, I'm just trying to repair all of the damage. Hopefully, the world won't end before I'm done with this college thing and the economy fixes itself. It would be nice to know that career is waiting for me.

As for her? I really hope she finds what she couldn't find in me.

I'm hearing the song "Two Steps Away" by Patti LaBelle right now... Wondering.

If two days ago were my birthday, then today would be the day I'm called home.

Perhaps, one day in the future, we'll be able to just talk.

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

I Wonder...

I wonder if my calling will come two days after my birthday... Oct 2nd 1969 - Oct 4th 20??

How is it that I'm even in Orangeburg South Carolina today? Why am I not in the Bronx... Somewhere along the Grand Concourse? Or maybe even in Sumter...? Or Mannheim?

I wonder what it would be like if I were in any one of those places today. Or one year ago... Or how about TWO years ago... Three or Four or Five years ago.

What else are you supposed to do when you reach your breaking point? Is it really wise to stay where you feel like you're not wanted? What else is there to do when you know just about everyone around you is whispering and pointing fingers after you've stepped off the path you've laid for someone who has their own agenda which includes you; but only as a prop?

I've imploded before... I wonder if it would have been worth it to hang in there... When I was on the edge of imploding again.
I just wish I knew better 19 years ago.

I wonder if anyone else is thinking about today as I am.

An then there is two days from now.

I wonder.



Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

I Really Do Have Love For All..... but...

UPDATE-002 20100305

INTRO:

• This week was all about trying to squeeze a lot of things into a little bit of time. The new semester promises to bring forth challenges much bigger than the last... This time, however, I am ready.

A NOTE OF CAUTION:

I really have been working hard on cutting back on cussin'.... Especially here on my blog... But, there are times when I just have to let it out... Parental Guidance is advised.

WHAT'S BEEN HAPPENING:

• Something rather disturbing. I was adopted, something I've learned to accept over the years... However, I've always remained curious about my birth family. What was my mother like, my father, if I have any siblings out there... It's no secret, to anyone close to me, my passion for such knowledge.

Anyway, every now and then, I will google my name to see what pops up. Usually, the normal stuff appears. My social pages, friends pages who mention me, etc. This time, however, an adoption reunion page popped up. Curiosity consumed me with all kinds of thoughts. But, upon entering the page, I found the following disturbing information...

Well, disturbing to me at least...

First of all, the person who made the entry is listed as my adoptive mother... Who has been dead for seventeen years now. The inaccuracies include:

My adoptive mother's birthday and age are wrong.
Whoever made the entry was able to list my spouses name.
The date of my actual adoption is incorrect.
My place of birth is incorrect.
And there are NO capitalizations.

On one hand, though I can't imagine why, someone out there who knows me that well is attempting to piss me off or hurt me very deep. Then again, it could also be a sibling or one of my birth parents. Though I can't see why they would go about it that way.

Either way, I haven't decided whether I'm going to pursue it or not... I have more pressing issues to attend to.

• Interesting conversation...

The comparison between a "Jump
Off", a "Friend w/ Benefits", a "Bootie Call" and a "Relationship".

A "Jump Off" I see more as a "one night stand"... You get it and jump
off and that's it. My buddy, on the other hand thinks of it as someone you call from time to time to satisfy a need. This I see as a "friend w/ benefits" or a "bootie call".

We both agree on either and all of the different types of "casual participants" catching feelings on one end or the other either destroying the friendship in the "friend w/ bennies" thing or causing drama in the "Jump Off/Bootie Call" thing. We also agree on the potential consequences in all manner of such behavior.

As far as actually getting into a real relationship, there are often times when one person (and sometimes even both) can't be honest enough to admit to the other that all they're really interested in is a "friend w/ benefits" or less which leads to someone getting hurt..... or worse.

Just something to think about.

• Governor Patterson (D) - NY

This story is becoming increasingly embarrassing as it goes on. I just wish he would press on instead of trying to back out of the running. It really is just a bunch of small things they're throwing at him and he's screwing the pooch over it. Truthfully, it's not that big of a deal.

The man simply needs to grow a pair, own up to his mistakes, and dismiss the mistakes of others that are being pushed onto his plate. I hate the political media game that's being played these days.

MUSIC I'M HEARING

• The Wind Cries Mary - Jimi Hendrix

Not to many of my peers know anything at all about Jimi. The one person I'd want to hear the lyrics to this song would never understand the message. I guess it's my message anyway.

• One Good Spliff - Ziggy Marley

You have to know me and the song to know why I'm feeling this song right now.

• Childz Play - Cee Lo Green ft. Ludacris

Talk about Rhyme Skilz... Not too many can do it like these two brothers.

CHANGES:

• Gonna have to change some standards when it comes to who I follow and who I allow to follow me on these fucking social web sites... I'm only on three.

The following is a general statement and is NOT directed toward any one particular individual.

First of all, it's NOT THAT SERIOUS!

If you happen to be female and less than 75% of my age... I don't want you...

If we've never met in person and I haven't asked you for your number even though we've been in touch for some time, then I probably don't want to talk to you and the likelihood of me expecting to meet you is pretty slim too.

If you've been in contact with me for more than a year, then you SHOULD already understand this.

If I say something directly to you and you feel uncomfortable, take heed to what I said above.

Finally, aside from what I've said above, if you are not in pursuit of a degree in Engineering or helping me acquire mine... If you don't run a business that I may be interested in for one reason or another.... If your musical interest spans less than three genres or is limited to
only one generation (if you can't tell me who sings/wrote "Ribbon In The Sky"). And if you just have thin skin, I Am A Submariner... I often say "Fucked Up Shit". Perhaps it comes from breathing in all that Amin, or the dusty ass air from those O2 candles... Or Hotracking. Either way, if you can't hack it, then don't follow me, unfriend and fucking block me.

It's been a minute since I've actually been on my computer... After the software updates are done and The Berry info has been secured, I'm gonna have to get the cutting board out again.

My actual contacts list is approaching 1300... So I can stand to part with one or two or fifty or even a couple of hundred sensitive ass muh-fuckas.

Once again, the above is a general statement and is NOT directed toward any one particular individual.

I am on the following social sites for the reasons listed... The first is the primary... Anything else is secondary... PERIOD.

Twitter - News/Info, comedy and talking shit.

My Space - MUSIC, posting Resume info.

Facebook - Alumni/Family/Special Projects and Friends. Occasionally, I will post an essay for opinions and stuff like that.

CLOSING NOTE:

• I will NOT ask anyone to like me. If I've got a boo-boo, I know how to lick my own fucking wounds. If you choose to be my friend in ANY context, I only hope your reasons have some kind of substance.

I go where I'm celebrated... Not where I'm tolerated.

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile